Forget going sleepless in Seattleget the real deal on Microsoft's big plan
The Rat trained his remote viewing gear on Microsoft Corp.'s recent Windows Platform conference in Seattle, eager to see how Chairman Bill's minions would indoctrinate the world about the future of the Windows operating system. After fine-tuning his eavesdropping apparatus toward the stage and opening a video link, the cyberrodent grabbed some popcorn and waited for the drama to unfold.
The Rat trained his remote viewing gear on Microsoft Corp.'s recent Windows Platform
conference in Seattle, eager to see how Chairman Bill's minions would indoctrinate the
world about the future of the Windows operating system.
After fine-tuning his eavesdropping apparatus toward the stage and opening a video
link, the cyberrodent grabbed some popcorn and waited for the drama to unfold.
But it became obvious after the first half-hour that there would be no drama
whatsoever. The Microserfs' strategy was delay. They obfuscated with talk about the future
of Office and front ends for Microsoft World Wide Web appliances.
"Where's the beef?" cried the Rat, but there was only cheese.
So he directed his remote agents to collect the real facts behind the Windows strategy.
Before long, one of his bots returned with the goods: a Clipper-encrypted copy of
Chairman Bill's original PowerPoint slides and speech notes.
After obtaining the escrowed key from a secret source known only as Deep Thorax, he ran
the file through his Enigma decoder.
"Microsoft Windows: Plan For World Domination," read the opening slide.
The spellbound Rat began navigating through the 520-slide presentation, but he was
forced to pause several times and run a grammar checker to condense the marketese into
real English. Here are some of the highlights:
They will be programmed to
experience painful nerve cramps every time they utter the terms Java, Macintosh, Unix,
Rhapsody or network computer.
The rest of the plan was unreadable, apparently encrypted from a mixture of Sanskrit
and Klingonese. The Rat quickly erased the document and formatted his hard drive.
The furry one went out to stock up on canned goods and prepare his Windowless shelter
for the dark days to come. "At least I still have my bootleg copy of Novell DR
DOS," the Rat muttered.
The Packet Rat once managed networks but now spends his time ferreting out bad packets
in cyberspace. E-mail him at rat@gcn.com.
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